A Dedication

It's heartwarming to see the love and respect my friend has for her family. She would do anything to save them, jump in front of a bullet for any of them. By the way she stares and the way she writes you grasp an honest sense of sentimentality.
As I wake up in her room after another one of those crazy sleepovers you start to think. If only I could peel back those layers and see inside her- who she fully is- that'd be a dream. Well I did. After reading her blog I am now positive that she is the best writer I've ever met... She convinced me that with her staircase. When I first met her I just thought she was extremely funny and fun to be around... which is why I decided to bring her to my Idaho home with me. Easily the best decision I've ever made. Choosing her to join me on that flight changed my life completely... Not only did I have a fun time in Idaho, but now everyday is ten times more fun than it used to be. The only thing I wish is that she could see herself for how truly amazing she is. She needs to know that she could change people.

The point of this is dedication. I want to dedicate this to one of the most full-rounded human beings I've ever met. Whether or not she believes it, she really does have a good future (which hopefully includes writing... because this girl can seriously write). Well this is to you, thanks for being there for me.

I love you Aubs.

35 minutes

As we grow up, we lose people... that is just the way everything turns out. I am completely fine accepting the fact that friends will come and go, people will pass away, and everything will eventually change. I'm smart enough to know that every friend I have will most likely move on and grow apart from me, I get it. There is just one friend I cannot and will not let go of- my sister. She is going to college soon and I am scared for my life. I am scared of losing her and having her completely disappear. She is a senior and the last thing I want is for this year to be over. I just came home early from a neighborhood Christmas party because all of the kids on my block wanted to drink for the occasion and I could tell just by looking at my sister that she wanted to join them. In response to that I knew well enough as to leave and just go home and let her, but if it was up to me, I would have taken her home, too. I can't picture her drinking, swearing, or even partying even though she does all of those things. If I can't even handle this small situation, how will I handle her in college? She will be "studying" at one of the top party schools and while that is happening, the last thing she will care about is me. I know it sounds selfish, but it's the way I feel. Losing her in just a few months scares the life out of me. When I have any problems, I end up telling her... so where will my backbone be? Who will I be able to talk to and tell my pointless stories to?  What will I do with all of my spare time? (It has been 35 minutes of her at my neighbor's house drinking- I can't stand this.)
So I think it is safe to say that I will be lost when I lose her and I don't know how to cope with the future.  I am dreading the day she leaves for college, I know I will just want to die that day. I'm really scared. Scared out of my mind.

Recent Confidentials

I need to stop impressing people.
I need to do things for myself.
I need to stop being so scared.
I cannot be happy.
Not if I don't start loving myself.
Right now, I don't love myself at all.
I want to like him, but I am too far from where I should be.
I need to love myself before I love anyone else.

The Lonely

a few scattered trees.
a naked blue sky.
high grass covering any non-existent life.
a pale girl stands looking around herself anxiously with tears streaming down her face and rolling off her chin.
the wind kicks up~ blowing her hair over her hardly-pounding chest.
she holds a white blanket between the fingers of a clenched left hand.
grasping the blanket tightly she closes her eyes.
the wind picks up and forces the blanket out of her hand.
with swollen eyes she turns slowly to see a woman behind her holding the white blanket with one hand as the other reaches out~
palm facing the 
sky.

For Those Who Wonder,

Kerrigan Brooke Walsh.

Five foot - Sevenandahalf inches,

Dark blue eyes, 

Dirty blonde -brown- hair,

Not fat, but not skinny, 

Going on my sixteenth year of insecurities.

My problems are stupid.

Let me start by saying that I am not tortured, disadvantaged, or underprivileged && yes, I am the youngest member of a very well-off family. Dad, Mom, Brother, and Sister aren't the issue, I am. Not too long ago I realized something important- as much as I would like to believe so, my family has never been the problem. I came to the conclusion that it has always been me. Every fight or disagreement has always been the result of my wrongs conflicting with the rights. After this recent discovery, things have been going a lot better for me; my dad and I get along better, I can finally open up to my mom, my sister and I can survive without fighting for more than a week, and my brother... well, he's not here. Everything is just perfect. 

Except a few things of course.

Ever since I was first called fat by an unhealthily-skinny blonde in 6th grade, I've seen myself differently. I know mommy and daddy say that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," but I've found that that's not always the case. Ever since that one word hit me, I've been scarred. Scarred in the sense that in my eyes, I will never think of myself the same. Now, I have been called beautiful time and time again... in my heart I know that I am... but my eyes just don't agree. 

Heart.

I know I am beautiful. I have this long, golden-brown hair that falls down my chest and these perfectly-straight teeth- thank you, braces. I have an athletic body that some girls would kill for. Never really any acne, that's luck. My eyes are extremely blue and really are the perfect addition to a beautiful girl. 

Eyes.

I could look so much better. I have this dead, boring hair that will never look as good as all of the other girls' hair. Those perfectly-straight teeth? That's the only thing. I'm forced to live in this thick body with fat covering every square-inch of every body part. I won't ever have the body of a model, never... I'm too ugly to even wear a bathing suit. Why can't I look like her? I'll just wear a jacket every day and attempt to fool everyone into thinking I am skinnier than I really am. I'm ugly.

When my heart and my eyes fought, my eyes won. Barely eating. Forcing vomit. An only-liquid diet. Forget about the pain, it will pay off later. If you are starving, think of them. Think of all the perfect girls that get the attention. You will get attention... all you have to do is hurt.

A big reason for my thinking is Sister. Sister never did anything to hurt me, no, Sister is just beautiful. She's five-foot, six-inches but I look at her as if she were ten feet tall.

All-around perfect. Long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. A very skinny body. Varsity soccer and varsity track. Mostly all AP classes, but not a nerd whatsoever. Gets any guy she hopes for, how couldn't she? ...and on top of that, she's leaving in seven months to try out her scholarship at UCSB. What a knockout. 

See? I'm bound to seem like less. I have fears, too. I fear that once she is gone, my parents won't know what to do with me. I don't run varsity track or play varsity soccer. I can't give them anything to watch, anything to be entertained by. I fear that I will bore them. I fear that I will turn into Brother. Brother?

Brother.

Brother is tall, six-foot, one-inch. Failure? No. Scholar? No. Lazy? Yes. Identical to me? Yes. Brother looks nothing like me, you wouldn't even be able to tell we were related. Until you met us, that is. 

Brother is at music school working harder than ever...I hope. He had a tough home-life. Brother fought with Dad a lot. He and Dad never really got along as Dad hoped they would. Brother was a tough kid, though. He never did as he was told. Don't smoke -smoked. Underage drinking is wrong -DUI. Never do drugs -pothead. You will regret a tattoo in the future, don't get one -he has two. Always a little slow in school. Extraordinarily smart, extraordinarily unorganized. I worry about Brother. Everyone worries about Brother.

I am Brother. No, I'll never drink. No, I'll never smoke. No, I'll never come close to drugs. Tattoo, maybe someday. Organized and smart, that's me. Even though it seems we are very different, we are one  in the same. Our personalities are nearly identical it seems to me. I would explain the similarities but there are too many. It feels like every day I become more and more like Brother.

Not positive I'm like Brother, but positive I'm not like Sister.

I can't stand being here. I can't stand the place I'm at. I literally hate myself lately. I know that I will never become a Sister to my parents. All I am doing is trying. I promise to be the best I can and to try at everything. That includes my weight.

I'm not heavy, it's a fact. I am aware that it is just me, but when I look in the mirror I am not happy at all. I am currently living on liquid. I am surviving by the all-liquid-diet. I'm good at it, too. Haven't cracked yet, other than the other night when I accidently gave into my discomfort... which caused me worse pain. I ate Italian food and instantly felt fat again. Immediately after the guilt kicked in, I went upstairs to "get something." The only thing I got was next to the toilet. I sat down on my knees and pushed my pointer and middle finger into the back of my throat, quickly forcing vomit. After I flushed the Italian food and all self-control down the toilet, I wiped my now-running nose, wiped my now-running eyes, and went to watch a movie with Mom. 

I know it's wrong, but it takes away the mental pain and the physical pain lessens. I know it's wrong.

Tears. I'm in them right now. I need to be less afraid of what others think. I need to control myself. As of today, I will. No more sadness. No more self-hatred. No more vomit. I want to be myself for the first time in a long time. I need to be myself. By this I mean my physical state. I am always going to be mentally Kerrigan. I'm still searching for physical Kerrigan. That means no more pain and discomfort and hovering over the toilet. No more looking at myself in a bad way. I know it will take a while, but it's a crucial step. Until that day, 

Im Still Finding Myself.

.sorry about all of the scattered thoughts.