Five foot - Sevenandahalf inches,
Dark blue eyes,
Dirty blonde -brown- hair,
Not fat, but not skinny,
Going on my sixteenth year of insecurities.
My problems are stupid.
Let me start by saying that I am not tortured, disadvantaged, or underprivileged && yes, I am the youngest member of a very well-off family. Dad, Mom, Brother, and Sister aren't the issue, I am. Not too long ago I realized something important- as much as I would like to believe so, my family has never been the problem. I came to the conclusion that it has always been me. Every fight or disagreement has always been the result of my wrongs conflicting with the rights. After this recent discovery, things have been going a lot better for me; my dad and I get along better, I can finally open up to my mom, my sister and I can survive without fighting for more than a week, and my brother... well, he's not here. Everything is just perfect.
Except a few things of course.
Ever since I was first called fat by an unhealthily-skinny blonde in 6th grade, I've seen myself differently. I know mommy and daddy say that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," but I've found that that's not always the case. Ever since that one word hit me, I've been scarred. Scarred in the sense that in my eyes, I will never think of myself the same. Now, I have been called beautiful time and time again... in my heart I know that I am... but my eyes just don't agree.
Heart.
I know I am beautiful. I have this long, golden-brown hair that falls down my chest and these perfectly-straight teeth- thank you, braces. I have an athletic body that some girls would kill for. Never really any acne, that's luck. My eyes are extremely blue and really are the perfect addition to a beautiful girl.
Eyes.
I could look so much better. I have this dead, boring hair that will never look as good as all of the other girls' hair. Those perfectly-straight teeth? That's the only thing. I'm forced to live in this thick body with fat covering every square-inch of every body part. I won't ever have the body of a model, never... I'm too ugly to even wear a bathing suit. Why can't I look like her? I'll just wear a jacket every day and attempt to fool everyone into thinking I am skinnier than I really am. I'm ugly.
When my heart and my eyes fought, my eyes won. Barely eating. Forcing vomit. An only-liquid diet. Forget about the pain, it will pay off later. If you are starving, think of them. Think of all the perfect girls that get the attention. You will get attention... all you have to do is hurt.
A big reason for my thinking is Sister. Sister never did anything to hurt me, no, Sister is just beautiful. She's five-foot, six-inches but I look at her as if she were ten feet tall.
All-around perfect. Long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. A very skinny body. Varsity soccer and varsity track. Mostly all AP classes, but not a nerd whatsoever. Gets any guy she hopes for, how couldn't she? ...and on top of that, she's leaving in seven months to try out her scholarship at UCSB. What a knockout.
See? I'm bound to seem like less. I have fears, too. I fear that once she is gone, my parents won't know what to do with me. I don't run varsity track or play varsity soccer. I can't give them anything to watch, anything to be entertained by. I fear that I will bore them. I fear that I will turn into Brother. Brother?
Brother.
Brother is tall, six-foot, one-inch. Failure? No. Scholar? No. Lazy? Yes. Identical to me? Yes. Brother looks nothing like me, you wouldn't even be able to tell we were related. Until you met us, that is.
Brother is at music school working harder than ever...I hope. He had a tough home-life. Brother fought with Dad a lot. He and Dad never really got along as Dad hoped they would. Brother was a tough kid, though. He never did as he was told. Don't smoke -smoked. Underage drinking is wrong -DUI. Never do drugs -pothead. You will regret a tattoo in the future, don't get one -he has two. Always a little slow in school. Extraordinarily smart, extraordinarily unorganized. I worry about Brother. Everyone worries about Brother.
I am Brother. No, I'll never drink. No, I'll never smoke. No, I'll never come close to drugs. Tattoo, maybe someday. Organized and smart, that's me. Even though it seems we are very different, we are one in the same. Our personalities are nearly identical it seems to me. I would explain the similarities but there are too many. It feels like every day I become more and more like Brother.
Not positive I'm like Brother, but positive I'm not like Sister.
I can't stand being here. I can't stand the place I'm at. I literally hate myself lately. I know that I will never become a Sister to my parents. All I am doing is trying. I promise to be the best I can and to try at everything. That includes my weight.
I'm not heavy, it's a fact. I am aware that it is just me, but when I look in the mirror I am not happy at all. I am currently living on liquid. I am surviving by the all-liquid-diet. I'm good at it, too. Haven't cracked yet, other than the other night when I accidently gave into my discomfort... which caused me worse pain. I ate Italian food and instantly felt fat again. Immediately after the guilt kicked in, I went upstairs to "get something." The only thing I got was next to the toilet. I sat down on my knees and pushed my pointer and middle finger into the back of my throat, quickly forcing vomit. After I flushed the Italian food and all self-control down the toilet, I wiped my now-running nose, wiped my now-running eyes, and went to watch a movie with Mom.
I know it's wrong, but it takes away the mental pain and the physical pain lessens. I know it's wrong.
Tears. I'm in them right now. I need to be less afraid of what others think. I need to control myself. As of today, I will. No more sadness. No more self-hatred. No more vomit. I want to be myself for the first time in a long time. I need to be myself. By this I mean my physical state. I am always going to be mentally Kerrigan. I'm still searching for physical Kerrigan. That means no more pain and discomfort and hovering over the toilet. No more looking at myself in a bad way. I know it will take a while, but it's a crucial step. Until that day,
Im Still Finding Myself.
.sorry about all of the scattered thoughts.
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